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I've felt a bit creatively blocked for a while now -at least where my writing is concerned. I've wanted to write but I've been feeling that everything I write is dull and that I've said it all before. I've known all along that I wanted this website to be about so much more than just homeschooling or just youth or just anything. I've wanted to write more for it for months but even with this I've procrastinated.

I am pretty sure I know why this is happening. I'm going through a huge transformation. I'm breaking almost every barrier I come up against inside myself. And I'm blocked; at least I feel I am. I know my writing style is changing, I know my taste in music and clothes is changing, I know all my opinions and reservations have suddenly flown out the window or subsided to make room for something new. Even though I have been tired of my old style, my old ideas, my old way of saying things, I find it terrifying to leave this for something unknown. Even though it was a tired and outgrown way of expressing myself, it WAS familiar and familiar is somewhat safe. We aren't often surprised by familiar.

So I'm writing about fear and about change. Most people would presume that I'm just going through everyday teenage stuff. That may be partly true but I have my doubts. Most of the teenagers I know are busy building up barriers and comfort zones. I'm in the process of recognizing that I have them and trying to deal with them. Another thing that bothers me about excusing everything as a "phase" or "everyday teenage stuff" is that it is a way for adults to excuse and push aside things they have not dealt with themselves or things that make them uncomfortable. I think it's high time we take our inner urgings seriously and stop being jealous or threatened by the fact that those around us want to or are changing. Whether these people are our children, wives, husbands, friends or parents we need to offer them the space, respect and support we long for.

I will admit that I am a perfectionist. Perfectionism is in no way attractive; it gets in the way of almost everything. Right now I'm pretty busy meeting friends, going to camps, classes and concerts and learning about artistic things. However, rather than being able to just go with this flow and be happy in it I find myself trying to do both these things that excite me and also "keep up" all my other previous interests. That's one problem with being a passionate, perfectionist person; you tend to have lots of interests that get very intense and also to be very good at them or to try to be very good at them. So now I feel I must keep up my biology, math, writing for several newsletters and newspapers, reading several books that no longer interest me but that I feel obligated to finish as well as drawing, playing my flute, learning to play guitar, learning to dance, learning all about environmental issues, writing long and beautiful messages to all my friends and photography. There are many more examples but the point is I feel pulled in all directions and so, rather than just saying to myself that right now my writing is important and sitting down to write I begin to worry about how I'm not keeping up my other abilities which don't interest me at the moment anyway. In the end I please no one -not my parents who want to see me excel and be successful- and not myself.

By writing this I've just acknowledged a problem and gone through my own therapy and discovered what I really need to do to move forward.

The message I want to give is that so often we stay stuck in patterns of behavior, in ways of living and of presenting ourselves that bore even us but we fail to grab opportunities to change ourselves and our lives because we're afraid. I have been both bored and afraid for a while until I began to get sick of it. We make excuses and try to justify ignoring all kinds of chances to try something new and begin working toward our dream because it isn't a big enough step. We want it all at once. But the truth is that it has taken years of conditioning to make us this bored with ourselves so we cannot expect to be in our ideal lifestyle overnight. It might seem to happen that way but only when you've done "the inner work" as my father would say.

Many people suffer from an inner nagging that tells them they are not satisfied. But perhaps it's time to ask ourselves what our payoff is for not being satisfied. What reward, even if small, do you get by standing back and not joining the dance class or not taking a bath? Does it give you attention to be able to tell others how you never get to do anything for yourself and can never have the life you want? The truth is, when you do this you are spending your energy on a negative pattern of behavior rather than channeling it into your passions and making one small change at a time.

Every day I notice how easy it is to point out everyone else's flaws and what actions they should take to "change the world." Every day I hear someone -maybe even myself- blame someone or something else for how they spent their time or didn't spend it. I see people looking everywhere for the cause of the world's ills and their dissatisfaction with life. I see them externalizing everything. And every day I understand more and more deeply that what we need and what will truly "change the world" is to examine ourselves. It doesn't necessarily lie in our physical actions. It begins in our thoughts. Really, you can't change another person. The best you can do is influence others. But how are we equipped to do that if we only go around pointing out what everyone else is doing wrong or could do better? The first and most important step in any process of change is to see where you are being illogical. You need to notice where you're unloving, deceitful, jealous and afraid. Before you can influence anyone you need to influence yourself. No one will want to follow your advice, no matter how well-intentioned, if they don't see you being an example and making changes yourself.

I have realized through my writer's block that I can't go out and shape the universe until I can shape myself. And through shaping yourself you are shaping the universe. I have also discovered that what usually stops, restricts, censors and limits you is fear. Fear keeps you in your comfort zone because it is terrified that if you wander out you'll be unsafe. But what happens if, instead of backing away from the tender zones that immediately say "no, too risky/scary/silly" you ask "Wait a minute, why am I scared?" Usually when you do that you discover that what was holding you back was so minor and so silly that you can't believe you let it stop you. We need to embrace change and blocks and fears and not just in the world around us -in ourselves. It is most important in ourselves. The truth is, it doesn't really matter what the circumstances are. It doesn't matter if we have more or less time, more or less money, more or less kids than we have now, we will encounter all our internal fears over and over again until we deal with them. So why not start now? Embrace change, embrace fears and work through blocks, like I've just done. Because, as much as people sometimes think so, I'm not perfect, not even close and I work through these things continually, every day. And I get better and better at it.

Happy fear-identifying.

~ Laura