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I've rediscovered bliss. I've rediscovered dancing in the rain. I've rediscovered my sisters as people. I've rediscovered life!
People ask me what I do and cannot seem to keep their mouths from dropping open when I tell them I do whatever I want. It doesn't really matter what I do since I can't seem to stop learning. But most of all what I do is rediscover my life!
In school I never had time. I was always too busy to play, or too tired to bother. I didn't even feel like I was part of our family, just a person living with other people. After a while my sisters became the people I told to be quiet, my parents became the people I asked for help with math and my life became robotic. I didn't particularly enjoy the company of my family.
But last weekend I had one of those golden moments. My middle sister was at our Grandmother's and my parents were playing music on the computer. In a moment of spontaneity I seized my five-year-old sister's hands and began dancing. No one was really watching, no one scrutinizing and I let my body fly and do what it wanted. My sister and I made up dances and silly moves and bumped our hips together and took turns twirling each other around the kitchen. It didn't matter that she was only as tall as my waist or that there were almost eleven years between us. She was suddenly a person in my eyes, a friend and not just a burden. She looked into my face curiously a few times, as if suspicious that this was true, but other than that we both surrendered to the movement and the fun. It was one of those times when I knew who my sister was, when I felt like our family was a team, was linked, when homework wasn't turning another wheel in the back of my mind.
There have been other times when I rediscovered my sisters. One day I made four lumps of play-dough and we spent the evening making all sorts of things. There was a light in all of our eyes as we played that evening. I'm sure they felt respected and special to have a teenager involved in play that was usually too "silly" for me. We do yoga together and read stories and I'm beginning to enjoy my sisters as I never thought was possible.
My parents also seem closer to me. Conversations are becoming regular and we talk about things that are actually important or interesting to us and not just about school. Everyone has been put on equal ground since I left school. It wasn't something I really imagined would happen, it wasn't even something I thought I would ever want but now I see my family through a human lens and I appreciate them so much more.
Besides family, I've rediscovered time. I'm learning what it is to have all your days belong to you. My time has become more valuable now and certainly more abundant.
Usually I try to balance my mental activity with physical activity. Some days I ride my bike alone for kilometers on end and stop here and there to watch the water or the birds. These are the times when I rediscover solitude. There is no hurry because there's nowhere I have to go. There is no worry because the "supposed to's" have disappeared from my vocabulary. I sit and soak up the sunshine and feel genuinely happy, genuinely free, and genuinely lucky. I wonder about my classmates who sit in a stuffy brick building with "have to's" and "should's" swarming angrily like bees in their ears. I wonder why anyone would ever want to stay there. But then I remember most of them don't know how sweet freedom is. Most of them are afraid. Most of their parents are afraid. Maybe it's even o.k. for many people if they are able to separate themselves from the expectations. I sit there and let my mind be still and let the wind fill my senses. This is joy. This is what real life is.
I've rediscovered a love of learning more deeply rooted than ever before. I savor whole days spent on a project that I do for fun. I adore being in the stillness of the library and looking at all the books I have yet to read. I adore reading twenty novels at once and being able to pick up one and put it down when I prefer another.
I'm learning many things but some are even beyond the regular science, math, and social studies. I'm learning how to really know my body and my natural rhythms. I can wake up at the time that is best for me and go to bed at whatever hour I wish. I can eat my lunch and breakfast when I'm hungry. I can take breaks and daydream or go ahead and do a whole week's worth of studies in a few hours. As far as I'm concerned, time management skills are learned best when you actually have time to manage and not when your time is basically pre-managed and the rest is for homework. I'm learning a lot about keeping myself in balance and this, I'm sure, will prove to be valuable in every situation and not just university.
I've rediscovered being present in this moment and really enjoying a conversation with a friend. I've rediscovered simplicity and the beauty of nature. A baby's smile delights me to the core; a rose blooming becomes a biology lesson. Journal entries become self-discovery and English lessons in themselves, dreaming becomes a glimpse into the unconscious. Adults think their lives are in high-speed and many are starting to take years off, to go to spas, to invest in relaxing and balancing, to make life style changes. What most teenagers don't know is that it is possible for them to do the same.
It has never been the case that school directly and intentionally prevented me from all these things but more that the interest, the focus, was shifted and my time was depleted more and more each year. School things can be pleasant but they are not all there is. There is such a thing as learning how to live "in the real world" by actually being in it and observing it directly. When your time is your own it's much easier to balance between "subjects" and life (if you have subjects at all, and truthfully, you don't need them!).
For a lot of school people these things are difficult to understand. Knowing you're learning without tests? Yes, that's right. I know I'm learning all sorts of useful things, but more than that, I'm rediscovering my life!
~ Laura