The Life-Changing Capacity Building Retreat

The question for me is no longer so much “What is my purpose” but “am I brave enough to follow my heart in every moment of my life?” Many people have been complimenting me on this website and although I am essentially proud of its existence, I know I have not dared to go as deeply as I know I must.

Last week I went to an environmental youth gathering in Toronto with 50 other people called The Capacity Building Retreat. I spent weeks preparing for it and sending in all the appropriate information without a very distinct idea of where it was I was going or why. I didn’t even understand what was meant by “Capacity Building Retreat” I just assumed we would all be in a large building with a huge capacity to hold many people. Now, a week after coming home, I think I understand what was meant by “Capacity Building.” It is about building the “capacity” of youth in the environmental movement.

Not only did I build my “capacity” and learn about elemental skills such as writing a funding proposal for my organisation, how to deal with activist burnout, and how to keep a group on track in the midst of membership changes, but also about myself, friendship, and where I want to go with my life.

This was my first “retreat” of this sort and I was one of the youngest people to attend. Maybe that is why it was a life-changing experience for me. Maybe because it was the most amazing and intense group of people I have ever met living in one building together. Whatever the reason, I have been highly impacted and I know I can never, ever see my life the same way.

Even though the reason for the retreat was more or less to acquire practical skills to apply to our environmental groups in our own regions and to make connections, I know that what I took away with me has far more to do with people, trust, love and living. I know that when the more distinct details of this retreat fade I will still remember what I learned about people and myself. I guess this is the nature of my mind and myself; I remember the people I’ve met, the amazing stories they had to tell me, their energy and passion and these things are what will give me courage when I need it.

I have never heard so many amazing stories in one week. I recorded each and every one in my heart, from the person who lives in the wilderness in a tent, to the person who left home when they were a teenager to explore the world (this applies to more than one person, I’m sure!). What these stories did for me was to widen the periphery of my vision even more. The last shred of certainty about my plans for life disintegrated last week. I used to know exactly what I wanted to do and be and I KNEW that way of living would make me satisfied and content. But even before I left school, and even as I professed my devotion to my “plans”, I began to doubt. Happiness to me meant being famous and being seen and admired as an author. I would be rich. I would travel all over the world. I would dress like a queen. This dream transformed to another of “saving the world.” Now I am sure of nothing. I know I cannot save the world –I can only save myself. I can certainly influence other people and I can certainly help in “big” and “little” ways but the only way a person can be “saved” is if they find that desire deep within themselves.

Although I seem to know where I’m going and why –I seem to be a driven and determined youth- the truth is that I have pushed down the questions deep inside me from the time before I left school until two weeks ago. I have been wondering since I decided to live –why? And “what now?” So I am alive, but if all my plans aren’t going to make me happy, what will?

In most of the things I have read about leaving school, a de-schooling period is suggested. De-schooling is like a vacation. De-schooling is when you de-program yourself to just obey others and re-program yourself to be inwardly driven. De-schooling is about finding who you are and about seeing the world in color again instead of black and white. It’s something we all need to do from time to time. De-schooling never really happened with me. I never got a full break. I went full steam ahead, and even though I was doing pretty much what I “wanted” to be doing, I was still doing and I longed to just do nothing and to BE for a while. School and society had programmed deep deep into my skull that my worth as a person was associated with how much I could “accomplish.” Since I was doing what I wanted and not following any particular curriculum, I felt even more pressured to do twice as much (or three or four times as much) as any other teenager in order to “prove” I was fine. It worked reasonably well, too. When I was asked what I was actually doing and I could list off ten activities, four courses of study and ten to twenty books I was reading, I was looked at with awe and I could convince someone else I was “okay.” Even when I dared to take a break and re-charge my batteries, I rested with one eye open and always made sure to be doing something at the same time.

Thus I came to the retreat –burnt out! I went to the activist burn-out workshop and I had to leave before the end because I was burnt-out! Although I have not told many people this, I felt quite ill almost the whole time at this retreat. On the very first night when the Elder did the opening ceremony, and he gave thanks giving in his own language for the plants, the earth, the animals, then the stars and the winds, and for being alive another day, we were asked to leave our troubles outside the circle for that week so that we could gather as much from this retreat as possible. I wanted to do this but I found myself unable to let go of all my worries; they had followed me across provinces and now I found myself distressing about them once again. Carrying this turmoil with me –questions I refused (and did not know how to) answer, emotions I carried from twelve months before but had never allowed myself to experience, feelings of being different, separate, and alone caused me to be physically ill. More than once I had to leave the large group because I was afraid of throwing up. I did not know what these things were doing to me until I could not hide from them with “school work.”

Again and again I was put into a position where I had to look after myself and take the week one moment at a time. I had not been in a position where life was one moment after another since the darkest hours of my life last March. Because I felt so ill (and the feeling of nausea was not just in my mind) and had to take life one step at a time I ended up connecting with people between sessions that I never would have been able to talk to otherwise. I shared my story over and over again with those who were curious and listened to the stories of others. I made some of the deepest connections of my lifetime in only a few days. And because most of these people had never known me before I had no other idea of Laura to lean back on and nothing to make me act in any particular way. I had to create myself anew in each moment. This was, without doubt, the most healing experience of my life. It did more for me than two months of counselling from a “professional”, than years of reading about psychology and changing my life. And I realised more truly within myself than ever before that THIS was what life was really about. Homeschooling, unschooling, de-schooling… this choice I had made was not merely about educating myself, it was about living.

My whole life I have been striving to fill myself up with something that I determined was not already there. I was always gathering some sort of knowledge, which is a wonderful thing in itself, but I thought that I would somehow be more ready for the world, more prepared, more beautiful if I could only gather enough of it. No matter how many of our high school and university years we spend preparing for life, we can NEVER be perfectly prepared. I knew this before, of course, but now I really knew it. I realised something else too, I can have all the academic knowledge in the world and still not be happy and still not know how to live. On the other hand, if I figure out how to live, to be present in each moment, to be truly grateful for life, to communicate my ideas and to connect deeply with others, I will always be able to know happiness. You can live happily without very much “academic knowledge” if you know how to take care of yourself but all the academic knowledge you can gather won’t necessarily lead you to a happy life.

I learned what was important to me at this retreat. I also learned that although I may not know that much about funding, group governance, or the great philosophers (and may never know much about it!) I always, always have something to give. This time I gave a reminder to all those who could listen of the passion and people that caused us to get involved with the environmental movement in the first place. If you have the structure for change without that passion and aliveness and people to run it, it is worth nothing.

I think that has been a gift I’ve given in many situations throughout my sixteen years –to bring everything back to the passion and the people involved and the bigger picture of why we are here. I know that when I look back on this lifetime that is what I will see. My regrets will have little to do with which Math course I pursued and everything to do with what I could and did give. Because, although I am sixteen, I do have something to give and something to say and it is just as valid as what anyone else has to say.

So from the retreat I have changed my question from “What is my purpose?” to “Am I brave enough to follow my heart and fulfill it?” I think the answer is yes.

~Laura